i just had to take a xanax. i don't know why this happens to me, it's been so much better in the last few months, but recently, my mini "quakes" [what i call my little internal panic attacks] have been getting worse & i can't take it.
i don't know what the issue is, but i can't fucking stand it. they literally feel like i'm going to lose it.
they were happening a few days ago & i popped a xanax that i got. i hadn't taken them before, but i had some. i wasn't sure how they were going to effect me, but i calmed down.
now i'm just waiting for this one to work. i hope it doesnt take too long. i'm freak'n out.

i know, i know, i hafta "just breath"... but it's not easy.

anyway... i've been trying to keep myself distracted & i ended up hunting for new communities.

i found a bunch of good ones, but i always end up feeling like either it's so far established that i'm too much of an outsider.
i'm still so nervous about joining & even more nervous about ever posting to a community again. i'm still so haunted by the attack that was sprung upon me [ya, over a year ago] when i opened my mouth, saying that i was looking for a friend.

i think i found a great community, but it's very new. there are only a few posts, but i like what the journals of the girls who started it say.

it's called thin line life.

the URL is:


i sent a request to join, but i haven't heard back yet.

i think... my heart rate... may be calmed down.

i'll write more soon. i'm gunna go see if i can find more friends.

i've been so lonely...

if anyone reading this is a newly requested friend, please know, i'm just a chick in her early 20s, living with her boyfriend, who doesn't know her biggest secret. i just moved across the states & i have no friends. my only real true 100% friend lives 2,000 miles away & has a seriously busy life.
i just need to find some people who understand the daily struggles i have. if you're that person, please, accept my friend request.

thank you loves.

--- i may not be a drowning townie, anymore, but im still treading the waters. i guess you could say i'm "treading newbie" haha.

maybe i'll get some sleep if my xanax works its magic soon.

i've become kinda manically obsessed with making this thinspo journal.
- - i know, i know, it's kinda childish & VERY "after school special", but i can't help it.
i've recently moved in with my boyf, out of my parents house &, actually, on the other side of the country... & i can't really have my celebrity wall of 'spo (or.. when boyf & friends & 'rents asked, my "fashion icons"...), so, i've taken to making a secret little notebook/journal/scrap book which i hide in my side of the closet.
i've blown so much money on gossip mags & as soon as he's off to work, i sprawl out on the living room floor & take out all my clips, my glue sticks, stickers, markers, tape, scissors, everything... & i get to work making my masterpiece.
god i feel lame...

it really does help tho. honestly, i've put on like 5lbs since i've been living with him. he makes me eat. he questions when i don't, he questions what all my "mysterious pills" are. he loves to eat &, honestly, i love to cook, so i enjoy making food for him.
as cliche as it sounds, i like testing myself when i'm cooking.

- - - - - "can i get thru making this meal that i used to love to eat, without tasting it?" - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - "can i eat the worlds smallest portion, just to get him off my back? can i be strong enough not to go into the kitchen & scarf the rest of it down?" - - - - - - - - - -

i was 99lbs in april. i'm hovering around 105, going between 103 & 107 depending on the day.

the one thing i do know, for SURE, for absolute CERTAIN, "as god as my witness"...


no matter what. if i have to fast for a month before hand, if i have to puke up every cell of my being, if i have to spend 24 hours a day on the tredmill, i WILL be at MOST 99lbs when i go back home.

anyone else out there making a goal? what is it?

also, i'm looking for a few good communities to join. does anyone have any communities that i should join? i want one that isn't soooo crazy into shit that i'd get "crap" for eating when i have to. i don't want any one that is "in recovery" because i am not ready for that. i don't mind a "competitive" vibe, but i do NOT want any place where people are bitching about "wanting to be ana/mia" or any of that crap. i don't want any bullshit "wanna" groups, or any bullshit, holier than thou, over the top, ridiculous ana's who act like if you're still in trip digits, you're not really hardcore.
anyone know of a community like that? or should we start one...?


one last thing...

anyone wearing a "thin line" bracelet? i've never seen anyone wearing one, but i have one & i wanted to know if any of you other girls were out there wearing them.
i know where you can get them, if you want! :o)

Understanding confusion

Today was both amazing & awful.
I'm beginning to understand how depression & ED & cutting are all one big thing.
I bought the first pair of size 0s today. Extatic.
I misunderstood or understood or something the relationship developing between me & my best guy friend. I wanna make understandable pain. I get it now. I think I'm dying. Withering away, losing my weight, my mind, my soul (mate?).
I want to hurt in a way I can understand. Inwanna bleed visibly.
I don't want to be a cliche.
I hate myself... But I love my new jeans.
I'm fucked.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


I will not be like my mother.I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother. I will not be like my mother.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Cookies, hangovers & holiday "cheer"

Sometimes I hate the holidays bc you're "not allowed" to be a grump. I'm tired & hella hungover. I don't fucking WANT to bake cookies mom! In case you haven't noticed, which you clearly have NOT I don't EAT! why would I want to bake fucking cookies!? I'd need a lax to get the cookie IDEA out of my system.

Ps: I'm a big girl, don't tell me what to do. I come home at 10am from crashing on the couch in an apartment with no heat... I want to rest, but I can't rest with you NAGGING ME!!!!

How does she not know how fucking ANNOYING SHE IS!?!???!??

Kill me.

Merry Christmas, bah humbug.

One good thing: I'm 118!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

(no subject)

What the </b>fuck!?

I hate myself. I can notttt stop eating tonight.
Where the fucccck is my WILL POWER!?!?!
I feel the food, evil food stretching out my stomach I worked so hard to shrink.

I'll never make my goal weight.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Totally went overboard today. 900 cals!? 1000!? Fuuuuck.


Take two lax & call me in the morning.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Ear muffs

My father is incredibly passive, my mother, agressive.

I'm a rotten mess that simply ignores the world.

I'm high on vaicatin, drinking wine & reading a book about a pathetic druggie girl whose life is way worse than mine.

Oh, & the laxatives I took are making my stomachs gurgle uncomfortably. I had more calories yesterday than I have had in a day over the past month. I'm paying for it now.

Gurrgle.... Gurrgle.....

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Face planting coulda been just awesome.

So I just went the grocery story (joy...) to do shopping for ma. She's making nasty shepard pie. Bad news: I have to smell it, might vom. Good news: she knows I hate it, so i don't have to make excuses.
I also had to drop like $40 on crap to make a god damn cake for a co workers bday. Ain't that some shit... The ED chick makes a cake for the girl who only "eats" protein shakes... But, it's her bday... & I'm tge mist creative one, so.. I'm making the cake... That's supposed to look like a monkey... God beer me strength.

I was all ready to block out the visions of high fructose corn syrup fairies & fat goblins with my ear buds & a hearty thinspo playlist (ha, hearty thinspo... I enjoy irony) but, of course, I run into my oldest childhood friend on the walk in & hafta chat chat chat about all the snacks & crap she likes... All the time finding monkey eye York patties & chocolate frosting I might as well just pop open & smear on my thighs right there in the aisle...

$65 later, I'm pushing my stocked shopping cart to the car & my head whirls. I had to stop mid step to catch myself.
Childhood buddy looks at me like I'm nuts... "sorry, I tripped over my feet a bit!" (wow, I need to get better at quick lies)
"be careful silly!" she says with a laugh. "ha... Ya..."

Now I'm LJn, listening to some Fiona in the car, smoking my way back into focus. Eesh. I can't believe I hafta go bake now.

Can u be a glutin if u don't eat!?! Ha! There's that irony again.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

(no subject)
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
-Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

i hooked up with my ex over the weekend. on saturday.
i slept with a guy i went to high school with on wednesday.
i want to know why i couldn't have just been happy with wednesday. he was so sweet & perfect. whyd i have to go looking for more?

now i won't get to see him again for a while. he went back home.

should i feel full, or empty.


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